Some people expect proper etiquette and assume anyone not following it intentionally means to snub or hurt their feelings. Sometimes others have a “right” way for etiquette they expect to be followed, and cannot imagine that everyone does not follow it. While you may know that the world will not crumble if that thank you note is not sent exactly two weeks after the event, you will have others who do not see it this way. In weddings especially, it is a good time to be conservative when it comes to etiquette. In all the fun and excitement of the wedding plans, small but meaningful and thoughtful details can be overlooked.
We have laid out some hints to help you follow etiquette and keep family relationships and friendships running as smoothly as possible. Q: What do I do about all the wedding advice I am getting from family and friends? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but my taste is sometimes very different.
A: People love to give advice and suggestions for your wedding, and family especially wants to feel a part of your big event. For good etiquette, it is important that you show respect and honor to your loved ones, and close friends, but respect does not mean that you have to do everything they suggest. First, be sure you LISTEN. It means a great deal to people to feel heard, so be sure they know that you value their opinions and appreciate their care for your big day. Second, compliment them where appropriate. Be sure you are honest- if you remark how much you love the color blue they recommend, you may end up with a blue surprise later, so be sure you are not just trying to make them feel good. For best wedding etiquette, if there is something you do not like, rather than a fake comment, just say that their wedding must have been lovely, and that you are considering all your options and will keep that idea in mind. Ultimately it is your wedding, so be sure you are happy with the choices you make. It should reflect your style and preference. If a friend recommended a flower and you think about it and change your mind, no problem! You will be deciding these things far ahead, which gives you time to reconsider and change it up if necessary. See our wedding planner for help in organizing so you have time to think about and imagine your big day, rather than doing it all in a rush.
Q: for best wedding etiquette, by how long after the wedding do the thank you notes need to be sent?
A: Generally your guests will expect thank you notes to arrive within four weeks after the wedding, if they were delivered on the wedding date. If the gifts were sent prior to the wedding, you may wish to have sent the thank you notes out already (to save you from worrying about them after the wedding), or else etiquette suggests you get them out within two weeks.
Q: How does the wedding shower work- who hosts it, and what is proper etiquette for how it is handled?
A: Your maid-(or matron for a married woman)-of-honor is generally the one in charge of hosting a wedding shower. Because showers can be costly both in time and money, is is appropriate for the maid-of-honor to ask if another bridesmaid or two would help. 3 or 4 hostess is common for a shower in today’s environment. Be sure whoever addresses the invitations knows the names of all who help and includes their names in the “given by” line, in order of their involvement. By delegating the work, you save time and money. Ask what each wants to do: cake, punch, food, table set up and decorations, etc. Then see who can arrive early to help set up for the fun event! It is customary for large church weddings to have one shower for the whole church, men and women. This is often held at the church. A second lingerie shower can be given for just the ladies later on. Co-workers may choose to give you a wedding shower too. If not, you can invite close worker friends to your larger shower if you desire (as long as they are invited to the wedding).
Q: What is an appropriate way for proper wedding etiquette to let our guests know where we register?
A: It is considered inappropriate to list your place of registry on the wedding invitation, but guests will expect to be informed of where you register. Nowadays, most guests consider it appropriate for you to register for gifts and let them know favorite colors, style preference, and needs. Guests appreciate knowing they are getting you something you can use, and that generally you will not receive duplicates of items with a registry. If you will receive a wedding shower, the shower invitations will list where you register. If your shower is taking place at a church, your hosts can still send out select invitations for a small shower, but it is considered acceptable to post the shower invitation in the church bulletin, along with the registry information. This is a great budget saver, and allows others in your church community to decide if they will attend or not (you may be surprised at who might attend- some people may not know you too well, but love wedding showers, and bring you a gift. This is also true of a workplace shower. Remember if you post the shower information in the church bulleting, guests will assume that the wedding will also be open to all church guests. This means that in addition to wedding invitations mailed out, a general invitation will be posted in the church bulletin. If you do not want to do this, then be sure that anyone who shows up to your shower will be added to the guest list and receive an invitation. Otherwise, do not post the shower information in the bulletin.
Q: If I am not inviting someone to the wedding, may I still invite them to the shower?
A: It is not polite to invite someone to the wedding shower if they are excluded from the wedding. The only exception is if it is a destination wedding (far away), or when you are having a special site-specific shower, such as a workplace shower. In this case, your co-workers will not necessarily expect to attend the wedding, especially if it is a small wedding. Be careful though, if you are inviting a select few, that you do not exclude those who may feel offended (if you invite most of your immediate work group, for example, can you include your boss too?).
Q: How do we indicate if children are acceptable at the ceremony or not?
A: On the invitations, address it to “Mr. and Mrs. Firstnamehusband Lastnamehusband” (traditionally the full name of the husband is used, but nowadays it is acceptable to write just the last name of the husband and wife: “Mr. and Mrs. Lastname”). If you are including children, then under the line with the parents’ names, add a new line for: “Master Firstname Lastname” for a boy, and “Miss Firstname Lastname” for a girl, and another line for each child. Less formal invitations may just say “Mr. and Mrs. Lastname and family”. Note: Even if you do not specifically include children, many guests will plan to bring them. If it is absolutely critical that no children come, then you may want to make sure someone mentions it “word of mouth” to them. Also, especially in a large church wedding, you can state “nursery provided” so that any babies do not have to stay in the sanctuary. Even without children coming, babies often stay with their mothers, so expect them to be brought with their moms. Providing nursery care at a church can be very inexpensive, and will save you from the cries of a baby in the middle of your ceremony.
Q: If guests are invited to the wedding ceremony but not the reception, how do we handle this?
A: If all guests are invited to the reception and it is off site, it is common to have maps available at the end of the ceremony. If it is an exclusive reception, be careful!!! One large church wedding, guests enjoyed a lovely ceremony, followed by the pastor thanking the audience. While the audience expected to hear “see you at the reception” or “thank you and goodbye”, instead, they heard “for those of you invited to the reception, we will see you there, and see us for a map if you lost it. For the rest of you, thank you and goodbye.” How rude! What was a lovely and extravagant ceremony quickly became a great offense to a large number of loved ones. If your reception is exclusive, please be discrete! Invitations usually say “reception following” if there is a reception. If it is exclusive, do not send out an invitation to non-invited guests with this imprinted. While it may seem odd at first to most guests, guests generally understand that some families will have a large wedding but may have a reception for only close family or friends due to expense. If this is the case, do not discuss the reception with those not invited! Be careful before you do this. If there is no reception for most guests, be sure you are not going to offend anyone who is close to you by excluding them. For example, do not invite every cousin but one without realizing the hurt you will cause that one cousin (yes, they will talk and find out about it). Be sensitive, within your budget. Send out the reception information with the invitation, map included (as you would normally). Then, at the end of the ceremony, have the reverend say a “thank you” with no mention of the reception. If an invited guest forgets about the reception, this would be better than insulting the rest of the audience by mentioning a reminder. Also, do not have an exclusive reception at the same location as the ceremony- this is in bad form.
Q: How can I make all my bridesmaids happy with one dress?
A: You may not be able to, but you can try. Choose your color and fabric, and then consider the general look. If you have a wedding party of different sizes, you may want to consider gowns with sleeves rather than sleeveless gowns, and maybe an A-line style. If you are flexible, you can allow them to vary the style slightly among themselves, with the same fabric and color. If you want the dresses identical, try talking to your bridesmaids about their concerns, and show them some of the choices you are looking at. If you pick 3 or 4 of your favorite (that you are willing to go with), it might make it easier if they have a range to choose from.
Q: We would really prefer money gifts, to apply towards our dream honeymoon, or costs of moving, etc. How can we indicate this?
A: It is not appropriate to tell guests to give you money. However, with registries getting creative, there are ways to help focus the gifts to what is most useful. Some furniture stores now have registries, where guests can pool together and pay for portions of pieces you desire. Also, travel agents can sometimes do registries which help defray costs of honeymoons. Finally, some registries are now including gift cards. Some people might still prefer traditional gifts, so be sure you have registered somewhere like Target, which has traditional options, otherwise they will still buy the gifts but from anywhere and any color or style. Talk to your family and close friends about whether these creative registries are considered a positive in your community or if they would not be received well, and act accordingly.
Q: What do I do if I want to change a bridesmaid who is in my wedding?
A: This is considered bad form. Be careful selecting attendants, because once invited, you may lose friendships if you uninvite them. Bridesmaids usually purchase their own dress, shoes, etc. and invest time and effort into helping you with your wedding. If there is a disagreement, try to resolve it. If there is a serious problem, chances are the bridesmaid may want to back out, but see if you can resolve this without a change- a short term arguement should not ruin the friendship you have and want to cherish in wedding photos for years to come.
